This was not an official "what do you wish you'd known at 25 answer, just a really insightful conversation that I thought made for a good answer accidentally.
--
Anonymous:
Want to know the hardest question I ever contemplated?
Kate:
oh my gosh yes
Anonymous:
warning: may ruin productivity lol
ok
how do you define love?
Kate:
oh boy
hahahahahahaha
Anonymous:
;)
i actually got to a place where I felt like I had a decent answer
but it took me so long to get there.
--
Anonymous:
Want to know the hardest question I ever contemplated?
Kate:
oh my gosh yes
Anonymous:
warning: may ruin productivity lol
ok
how do you define love?
Kate:
oh boy
hahahahahahaha
Anonymous:
;)
i actually got to a place where I felt like I had a decent answer
but it took me so long to get there.
Kate:
I mean I have an answer but I’m sure it’s wrong
Share!
Anonymous:
haha no you first!
there's obviously no right/wrong lol
Kate:
Damnit!
ok but only because it’s going to be more rudimentary than yours
Anonymous:
haha not necessarily!
Kate:
So I think a lot of people define love as an emotion — and it is a type of hormonal emotion. Some of us have lower thresholds for it than others. And if it’s just an emotion, we can feel it for many people.
Scientifically it’s a hormone rush that lasts 2-3 years and makes you crazy
But… I think love is also an action.
I think it’s a choice to be selfless. It’s a choice to give up personal freedoms for making someone else happier.
Anonymous:
I like that phrasing
Kate:
I think the only way you can choose that action and not resent it is if it’s about becoming a better person internally
Like you have to believe that loving someone also improves you — that being a better person for others inherently is right and good and makes you better.
someone else told me that last part but I really like it
Your turn
Anonymous:
Haha nice
and you were worried about that being rudimentary lol
so much more thought than most people have put in
haha
Kate:
Well it’s a tough question!!!!
Anonymous:
oh absolutely
but bet you most people have never really thought about trying to define it
try asking some people some time
ok
the definition of love I settled on was quite boring sounding:
I mean I have an answer but I’m sure it’s wrong
Share!
Anonymous:
haha no you first!
there's obviously no right/wrong lol
Kate:
Damnit!
ok but only because it’s going to be more rudimentary than yours
Anonymous:
haha not necessarily!
Kate:
So I think a lot of people define love as an emotion — and it is a type of hormonal emotion. Some of us have lower thresholds for it than others. And if it’s just an emotion, we can feel it for many people.
Scientifically it’s a hormone rush that lasts 2-3 years and makes you crazy
But… I think love is also an action.
I think it’s a choice to be selfless. It’s a choice to give up personal freedoms for making someone else happier.
Anonymous:
I like that phrasing
Kate:
I think the only way you can choose that action and not resent it is if it’s about becoming a better person internally
Like you have to believe that loving someone also improves you — that being a better person for others inherently is right and good and makes you better.
someone else told me that last part but I really like it
Your turn
Anonymous:
Haha nice
and you were worried about that being rudimentary lol
so much more thought than most people have put in
haha
Kate:
Well it’s a tough question!!!!
Anonymous:
oh absolutely
but bet you most people have never really thought about trying to define it
try asking some people some time
ok
the definition of love I settled on was quite boring sounding:
"You love someone when you cannot decouple your emotional state from theirs. Them being happy makes you happy. Them being sad makes you sad. Them being hurt makes you hurt."
I spent a long time with definitions that didn't really clearly separate "lust" from "love"
where i'd think of "lust" as being a more accurate description for that 2-3 years of hormone madness
I like this definition because it's doesn't imply a super-high threshold
I think we're all capable of lots of love, we just tend to reserve expression of the sentiment for more 'significant' people or moments
2¢
Kate:
"you love someone when you cannot decouple your emotional state from theirs”
you said it better because yours is simpler
Anonymous:
it's simpler, but I like what you said about needing to recognize sacrifice a lot
i like that it was more explicit
in my definition it's sort of implicit - by allowing your emotional state to be impacted by that of someone else, you are accepting that there will be times that you will feel worse because of what you feel for them
(but also times you share joy and feel happier than you would have otherwise)
Kate:
"I think we're all capable of lots of love, we just tend to reserve expression of the sentiment for more 'significant' people or moments”
So this can have low or high definitions
Like, you can deeply love your “lover”, to the extent that you weep if they weep
Or you can have some love for someone you're tutoring in math
Like you want him/her to succeed and can’t decouple emotion from that
Anonymous:
right, sharing successes and failures but the strength of the connection is not as strong
Kate:
But also, you’re not going to cry when they cry.
Anonymous:
right
at any rate, love is definitely not what fairy tales teach most of us early on!
where i'd think of "lust" as being a more accurate description for that 2-3 years of hormone madness
I like this definition because it's doesn't imply a super-high threshold
I think we're all capable of lots of love, we just tend to reserve expression of the sentiment for more 'significant' people or moments
2¢
Kate:
"you love someone when you cannot decouple your emotional state from theirs”
you said it better because yours is simpler
Anonymous:
it's simpler, but I like what you said about needing to recognize sacrifice a lot
i like that it was more explicit
in my definition it's sort of implicit - by allowing your emotional state to be impacted by that of someone else, you are accepting that there will be times that you will feel worse because of what you feel for them
(but also times you share joy and feel happier than you would have otherwise)
Kate:
"I think we're all capable of lots of love, we just tend to reserve expression of the sentiment for more 'significant' people or moments”
So this can have low or high definitions
Like, you can deeply love your “lover”, to the extent that you weep if they weep
Or you can have some love for someone you're tutoring in math
Like you want him/her to succeed and can’t decouple emotion from that
Anonymous:
right, sharing successes and failures but the strength of the connection is not as strong
Kate:
But also, you’re not going to cry when they cry.
Anonymous:
right
at any rate, love is definitely not what fairy tales teach most of us early on!